For many years I was chronically ill. I had to leave a job I loved, my ability to be a bright light in my children's life was diminished, and I did not see a way out. It was a long haul, mostly uphill, and discouraging, but I have to say I never quit. I eventually weaned my way off a multitude of prescription drugs I was on (from Elmiron to opiates) and I am healthier than I have been in years. I had a bout of CFS that lasted almost ten years but it seems to have finally resolved itself.
I started this blog two years ago to grieve the health I thought I lost forever. I was lonely, I was sick, I was sad, I was overwhelmed, and while I still believed that I could get better, it was an act of faith rather than medical knowledge that propelled me forward. I took a long detour in dealing with a daughter who was caught in the grip of addiction and that really threw me off my game. The sadness and grief of dealing with the life and death struggles of addiction are unparalleled. I have found a lot of knowledge and comfort in the rooms of Al Anon and I strongly urge any of you who are dealing with the fallout of addiction to find a meeting and just keep going.
I haven't written in my blog much because honestly I seem to only want to write when I am sad, and discouraged and grieving. When I am out and about living my life I have no urge to write. I was trying to do a big recap of all my favorite blog posts but I couldn't even follow through with that. I am busy, I am happy, and I have realized it is time to say goodbye.
Back in the day, I was really bad at saying goodbye. I would simply quietly disappear leaving people to wonder, "Whatever happened to Mrs. Dubose?" I don't want to quietly disappear so I am taking the time to write this one final post.
I want to thank you for letting me share my stories and my heartache. I loved writing this blog so much and it healed me. Initially it was read by my son, my friend, and my mom but it soon expanded to another reader who truly understood how much the blog was about the writing AND the music. It was always both. This reader might have wandered away when the blog veered into an addiction blog but I will always be grateful that there was somebody out there, a total stranger, who just got it, so thank you MAZ001 for connecting to me and to this blog. Eventually this blog was read by a whole bunch of somebodies, parents' of addicts I presume, and I will hold all of you in my heart and my prayers.
Recently I was asked to be on the Board of Directors of a theatre company, which is a far cry from the unshowered mess of a woman I was two years ago. I got some feedback last week that they are thrilled with me joining the board and was told that I bring in energy and creativity and enthusiasm, just like I used to in graduate school, oh so many years ago. I still struggle with all that I lost in those years I was so ill I could barely put my children to bed at night, but I am hoping that as I continue to get stronger those memories will fade and be replaced by happier memories.
A quick update: My daughter seems to be doing well. I am sure there will be bumps along the way but I am not as fearful as I once was. My oldest son is working as a professional actor and is mulling over his future options. My youngest son (da baby) is a sophomore in college and seems to be on a promising path.
Me? I am finding my light again, after so, so much darkness. I am overwhelmingly grateful.
It's so very hard to say goodbye, but it's time.
I leave you with this:
May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
And the rain fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
Sarah McLachlan. Answer.