This is the face of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It isn't pretty. It is painful and it is unexpected and I would give half my my kingdom for it to just go away. I don't want to do the work to face it and deal with it. I have done enough. I just want peace.
We actually had a fairly good visit. My daughter's boyfriend is lovely; a recovering addict himself, he is smart and quietly charming and has embraced a sober life for the last year and a half. She stayed on a few days longer than he did. She spent a lot of time with family and friends. Old friends came by to visit daily. There were no relapses, she looked healthy, and I saw that she has made some progress. She still struggles with moodiness, she is still in a bit of denial, and she still carries some bitterness that she is no longer welcome to live here, but they were fleeting moments throughout the week.
The triggers for me were endless and I struggled mightily though the week to tame them. I am astounded to be dealing with so much residual pain.
Her boyfriend enjoyed our fair city so much they are discussing moving back here next Spring and renting a house. I am hoping this is just a passing fancy because I am just not ready yet. I need to feel stronger, to heal more, to calm this rapidly-beating heart.
The fall out of addiction is severe and wide reaching and much healing needs to occur. I am tired but I am resolute. I will do what it takes to turn the tide, to release the past, and embrace the future. But, not tonight. Tonight I rest and pray for serenity; for courage; for wisdom; for peace.
I pray for happiness. For all of us. For you, for me, for addicts everywhere.